I had to do it. I had to come out of hiding. Since early May I have been keeping under the radar and spending most of my time at the computer. I have been writing, editing photos, and all sorts of other things that allowed me to interact with other people without having to actually interact with them. Then, the funny thing was, while I was out last night, I talked about how much I enjoyed not being out and keeping to myself the last few months. How crazy is that? Half of my conversations involved me explaining why I enjoy being by myself and how difficult it is for me to talk to people. I am talking to people about how I have a hard time talking to people? I am finally being honest with who I am as a person, I guess.
That said, I am an introvert. I may not seem like it to most people because I do not have a problem talking. In fact some people may think I never shut up. But, I am to my core an introvert. For instance, what am I doing right this moment? I am writing on my blog, decompressing from a night out. I have to organize and sort my thoughts and put them to words on a screen in front of me or I will explode. I am naturally an introvert. If you have never taken the Jung Test you should. I am an INFP through and through. And, though I am mistaken as an extrovert a lot of the time–I am not one. You have to look into the cognitive functions and that is where it gets really interesting.
I had some inside the head freak out moments and that is why I had to get them out on here. Like when I thought to myself why do I have a blog–why did I tell people I was writing a book and that I have a website where I intend to write about the process? Oh holy hell I am writing a book–I have this site! People are going to read it. People are going to read my thoughts and ideas on paper. But, then I thought–wait a minute I just watched four original bands play their music for a crowd of people and it was awesome. You can see that it is invigorating and fulfilling for each of those musicians to get out there and perform. They were putting themselves on display with their music and to me that is a beautiful and amazing thing. As human beings we create. We have imagination and we have the ability to do some pretty cool things. Imagination is something that I truly value in others around me.
They were sharing their creativity to a crowd of people that they may or may not have known. But, man knowing the people is probably more difficult. And knowing that people I know will be reading my story is kind of a mind fuck. The more I talked about my book and when I was asked about how it was coming the more I thought to myself– “OH MY GOD I AM WRITING A BOOK!” Then I thought, “Shit, I need to get home to work on my book.” I was out at a bar, socializing with people, seeing friends I hadn’t seen in months and I thought about going home and writing.
It was in no way because I didn’t want to be around them, it was because being around others brings so many new ideas and thoughts to life that I would want to add into a story. I am constantly analyzing conversations which in turn give me new ideas. And of course I analyzed myself. I thought about something I realized I do and this is it. I am incapable of giving a compliment unless I absolutely mean it. That is why I will say to a random person in the store, “I really like your socks.” I have done that on occasion. Words matter to me, no matter how insignificant and I actively try not to waste them.
I will never go out of my way to say something to someone unless I truly mean it. For instance–I was at the store the other day and ran into an acquaintance that I have had a couple really good conversations with in the past. As she was leaving I said, “It was really good seeing you.” I thought about my saying that and how people say that all the time, but do they really mean it. I noticed in that moment that I did actually mean what I said. And in that I realized why I have a hard time talking with people at times. Because, not everyone does that. Don’t get me wrong, I have been known to say I am fine when in fact I am not. But, there are certain things I will not say if I don’t mean it. One of the biggest things is the word “Sorry.” I do not throw that word around. I feel that if you say sorry about something–especially the big things, it is just as important as telling someone you love them. So in closing, know this, if you are one of those people that I spend time talking to and I give you a compliment, I mean it.